It has been a long while since I have written. The summer was filled with excitement and busy days, and then school began and I lost sight of the goal I had for myself. I feel like so many times I can get off track and give myself too many things to focus on. This year I have made it a personal goal for myself to work on my self-love. So often I talk down about myself and refuse to accept compliments because I cannot believe them myself so I just deny them. Ultimately, this just tends to push me lower and lower into self-doubt. I am constantly worried about what people think of me and if they are judging me based on what they see on the surface. I think I have mentioned before that I have never been someone who is considered "small". I have always been seen as a heavier or heftier girl. For so long I took the words of the bullies calling me fat or large and I believed them and that caused me to prove them right by continuing to self-doubt and decide for myself that I could never be someone they would think is good enough.
Through all of my self-doubt I have been sabotaging myself and digging myself into a hole. Like I mentioned compliments are not something I accept, I push them aside as if they mean nothing. I figure if someone is giving me a compliment that it is surely out of pity. Unlike past years when I have been in a constant motion of worrying about what everyone around me thinks, I have made it a promise to myself this year to work on my self-love and self-acceptance. Not only do I need to work on loving myself, but also accepting love from others who give it to me. I was recently reminded that people don't give compliments just for fun or randomly, compliments are given for a reason, it is someone trying to let you know they like or enjoy something about you. I feel as if my inability to accept compliments and negativity about myself turns people away from me, and I have not realized this until just recently.
For me I need to take the time to realize that I may not love everything about myself, but I am made in God's image and I am beautiful in his eyes. I need to realize that there are things I do love about myself, certain quirks and parts of me that only belong to me. Everyone was made differently, but in God's image. Reminding myself of this helped me to realize that no matter how low I am feeling and no matter how ugly I see myself, I need to change my thoughts and remind myself that my creator made me and thinks I am beautiful in his eyes. For so long I was focused on the people around me and what they thought when I should have been focusing on the one above and what he thought of me. When one is able to focus on the lord and the love he has for you, there shouldn't be another worry about who thinks what about you.
Obviously this is easier said than done, even as I am sitting here typing I am picking out things about myself that I am not happy with today. Ultimately, though, it is a never ending process that is continual throughout life. As you begin to self-love and self-accept it will become easier. You begin to believe in the little compliments from others and begin to look at yourself one day at a time in the mirror and say "I like ____ about me today". It is never going to be easy, but it does get easier. For me this goal gets easier each day, but there are setbacks that I will not deny. No one is perfect and everyone has to work to believe in themselves (some much more than others). Although this is a tough goal for me that has been worked on over and over again in time, I am committed to working to make each day easier and work through each day with a positive mind. I challenge anyone who feels the way I do to work on your self-love a little bit each day. If you love yourself and feel you have wonderful amounts of confidence I applaud you and hope to work toward what you have one day. Goals are something to work toward one day at a time and I am glad I have set my goal for this year. I hope that my sharing reminds each of you that goals can be small or big, but the idea is to work at them at your pace and get to where you feel you need to be. Everyone has their flaws, but working to accept those flaws and love yourself and one another is what we were put here for, and I intend to work on myself this year to get to loving and accepting myself the way that God loves and accepts me everyday.
STAY CLOUDY AND STAY SMILEY! :)
Love, Meg<3
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